The 2017 Oscars

In keeping with my annual tradition, I didn't actually see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture this year. But I might have seen these alternate films:

“Hell or High Water” A charmingly quirky story of a divorced father in West Texas desperately trying to explain to his ex-con older brother how reverse mortgages actually work, while scheming to stay one step ahead of the sheriff, who could just as easily have been played by Tommy Lee Jones.

“Hacksaw Ridge” A charmingly quirky story of a decorated WWII American Army Medic who, after being honorably discharged, takes a job at Home Depot in the store's eponymous tool area. He becomes the first man explain the differences between a hacksaw, a back saw, a coping saw, and a PVC saw without asking the guy in the other aisle.

“Fences” A charmingly quirky story of a working-class African-American father raising his family in the 1950s, while coming to terms with his past and that Gray Grantham continues to be one of the lamest names ever for a movie's main character.

“Arrival” A charmingly quirky story of an elite team of expert linguists brought together to decipher the garbled messages from a mysterious airport PA announcer that is quite possibly threatening global and intergalactic harmony by reassigning the gates and baggage carousels for inbound spacecraft.

"Lion" A charmingly quirky story, loosely based on true events, of a five-year-old Indian boy who gets lost, thousands of kilometers from home. He survives many challenges on the streets of Calcutta before being adopted by a couple in Australia; 25 years later, racked with guilt, he sets out to find his lost family and is mauled by a lion.

“Manchester by the Sea” A charmingly quirky story of an uncle living in Quincy who is asked to return home the North Shore to babysit his nephew. Not knowing the delays to come, he struggles with his decision to take the Southeast Expressway during rush hour. Seeing the Dorchester Gas Tank, he recounts past past traffic nightmares and the automotive congestion that caused him to leave Manchester and stick to the South Shore. Look for the upcoming sequel – Salem by the Power Plant.

“Hidden Figures” A charmingly quirky story of a trailblazing team of clothing designers and seamstresses who created the over-sized sweatshirts and baggy sweatpants that serve a vital role on campuses everywhere during the early hours of Finals Week.

“Moonlight” A charmingly quirky story of discovery and investigation, this film chronicles the lives of Maddie and David as they struggle with top-billing, clever writing, and the right weeknight time slot while facing the rough and tumble world of supermarket tabloid covers and industry rumors.

“La La (I'm Not Listening) Land” A charmingly quirky love story between Sebastian, a jazz musician on the rise, and Mia, an aspiring waitress, who is just so goddamned tired of Sebastian's constant yammering and insistence that he has found the way for Hollywood to make a good musical again.